The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
-Rush Limbaugh

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
-Bill Hicks

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
-Zig Ziglar

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
-Bill Maher

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
-Mel Brooks

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
-Charles M. Schulz

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garofalo

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
-Tommy Cooper

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
-Victor Borge

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
-Billy Sunday

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
-Robert Maynard Hutchins

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen